The following article appeared on a Facebook Community Page  The SMART Wives Club – Surviving & Moving Beyond Infidelity on Feb 09, 2012.
Can You Forgive Him?
He has cheated as long as there is deep emotional connection between him and the other woman… no physical intimacy needed to be present… the point being not to get mad, or feel victimised but to reflect how that connection developed… there is no right or wrong here; merely a lesson to be learnt… once we see where the issue is, the chances of rising above his betrayal becomes easier and; only with honesty and clarity can we  then move forward to a destination that resonates with us… with or without him…

Sometimes we think that we chose to stay because we wanted to give it another shot, it was because of the children, etc, etc…

Has it ever occur to us that maybe we chose to stay because we did not want to stop blaming him and we wanted to continue playing victim (I can almost hear the protests)… I know it is an ugly thing to look at, much less consider it…

But for our own sake, do consider it… we may be cutting the nose to spite the face… we may be sacrificing true happiness because of an unconscious need to strike back at him in a manner that hurts as much as we have been hurt – to reinforce his guilt day after day; to not let him forget that he has wronged us big time…

What we forget in our need to make him feel guilty for the rest of his life is that we are not only causing pain and misery to him but to ourselves as well – what we project onto others, it gets reflected back at us…

This is not about leaving or staying… it is about forgiving and letting go regardless of whether you choose to leave or stay… choosing to stay does not necessarily mean you have forgiven and choosing to leave does not mean you have not forgiven… your true intentions for any action you take thereafter can only be seen by how much joy or conversely, misery, is in your life despite your marital status…

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The following article appeared on a Facebook Community Page  The SMART Wives Club – Surviving & Moving Beyond Infidelity on Dec 20, 2011.

Don’t Ask Why

A girlfriend made a remark earlier that after much analysis, it is really impossible to know why some men indulge in affairs because it doesn’t make sense no matter which way you look at it.

Ok let’s be fair, just in case there are men out there reading these; I know there are also ladies that indulge in affairs. Statistics have shown that the percentage of married women who are unfaithful to their husbands averages at 50% whilst the percentage of men averages at 60%. But of course, we are not talking about women who stray; that is another topic for another group to pick on.

So anyways, I too have been thinking hard on why men stray and I finally made a deduction that we will never really know… There are so many “reasons” according to the numerous studies and surveys that have been conducted, least of all is the fact that ALL men has the propensity to cheat due to their physiological make-up. The only difference between those who do and those who don’t could lie in the fact that some are a little bit more selfish & have a lot more (mostly psychological) issues (so they do) than the others (so they don’t). Or maybe those that don’t have lesser opportunities…. who really knows….

But for the sake of our sanity, for someone who had been there, is for us to stop asking why…

“Why?” is not going to change the fact; it is will never undo what has happened. In fact, as we go round and round asking why, we are just tying ourselves up in a messy knot and the resulting frustration and mounting despair will only hold us back from being clear and taking the next step forward.

Plus, how can we expect to know why, when these men themselves don’t?

Yeah, they may all be able to rattle off seemingly justifiable reasons (justifiable only in their twisted minds, of course)… most of which will lay the blame inadvertently at our feet, but really, these men can’t even face the truth of why they are actually doing it…. Sad isn’t it?

So anyways, quit asking why… just know that why-ever it is, no reason is good enough and we are not the cause… Of course in every marriage, both parties are responsible to make it work; we may have been complacent, we may have overlooked some of our shortcomings but the choice to have an affair was theirs, not ours. No matter what issues exist within a marriage, there is nothing that cannot be resolved. That’s where communication comes in but that’s another topic for another day.

Once we accept these, instead of being stuck in a rut, we can then recover our clarity and begin the process of healing and planning our way forward. From there, we can then move forward and beyond… Mind you, it’s not easy but it’ll be worth it. As we heal, we are then able to see that we are much, much stronger and not as helpless as we think…

Try it, you’ll see…

With Metta 🙂