Tag Archive: Marriage


Marriage ~ A Poem by Kahlil Gibran

*Photo courtesy of http://lifestyle.in.msn.com

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Advertisements

The Blame Game In Marriage…

“If something sucks in your life & changing it to your desired ideal is not within your control, it’s not the end of the world & you are not powerless… there are always options and resolutions… You either (1) live with it in grace, get rid of the resentment & regrets and shut up OR (2) you leave it with gentle compassion, get rid of the resentment & regrets and move forward… The choice is, has always been and will always be, yours to make… The question is – do you have the faith & courage to make it?”

The above was posted on my Facebook wall a few days back as I was reflecting on why so many of us, myself included, persist on resisting change when a particular situation is obviously not working out for us or worse still, when it hurts us on so many levels.

Many a times, we are simply going through the motions of life, doing what is “acceptable” and “expected”, that we overlook the very fact that how we live our life is a choice that we make and not somebody else’s. Because of this, when things go wrong, it is so common to see the blame game being played. But what is this blame game all about, really? Should it even exist?

The blame game is simply a way for us to absolve personal responsibility for our life; to justify the less-than-desireable choices we have made; to play victim to the world.

Being humans, it is much easier for us to say that someone else, never us, is at fault. When we hear ourselves saying, “I had no choice; I had to do…. because….”, this is the marker to indicate that a new round of the blame game has just begun. On a subtle level, it may sound like, “I have always been … (all the nice, good things we have done) and yet, so-and-so did such-and-such (all the transgressions we perceive in others)… how could he/she do that?

Familiar? So, how many blame games are we guilty of as we go through our days? Are blame games even necessary?

I will share with you a personal experience in which the situation was rife with blame games, though at that point in time, I was oblivious to my contributing to it.

As I go along, some of you may find this familiar; many may not be too pleased with what I have to say. I do apologise if I offend anyone’s sensitivities but say it I must, if only to arouse our awareness in order for us to recognise that regardless how helpless a situation may seem, we are not as powerless as we have been led to believe all our life.

THE INCREASINGLY COMMON SITUATION

In my 35 years of being on this earthly plane, I have seen my fair share of marriages breaking down, not least, my own which lasted 7 years before the other party decided to call it quits. That was in reality a blessing.

You see, if he did not ask for the divorce when he did, I would still be in the marriage, doing my utmost to make it work though it would have been quite futile as we both were pretty miserable for a good part of the 7 years. On his part, I would never know, though I could make a pretty accurate guess, what was the cause of his misery because he never shared that, not even till the very end. On my part, there were many reasons for my misery, not least among them was the fact that a year prior to his asking for the divorce, I found myself in that dreaded situation of coming face-to-face with my spouse’s infidelity.

And yet, despite that ultimate betrayal and the ensuing tension within me, I could not walk away. During that time, I erroneously used my little girl as a reason for not leaving. In actual fact, my course of action was driven by fear. Instead, I offered him the choice then and after thinking through the matter over a few days, he chose to stay and promised to make things work between us. I believed him, or so I thought. In reality, deep down within me, I could not forgive him and that was the beginning of the end.

By not making the choice to leave him and at the same time, not forgiving him, I was playing the blame game. Though it was never made known to others, from that point onwards, I made him responsible for everything that was not going right in our marriage. I covertly created a gap between us by emotionally withdrawing from the relationship because I could no longer trust him. On hindsight, the absence of trust slowly eroded what little emotional link we had left. Overtime, I was simply devoid of most feelings where he was concerned; the prevailing emotion if there was any, was one of frustration and impatience.

I could have saved myself and possibly my marriage if I had applied the advice at the top of this article instead of allowing my base Self to run my life and place the entire responsibility on the other party’s shoulders.

LESSONS LEARNT

In my observations of people I know and from many accounts I have heard about others I do not personally know, the above situation is a common occurrence.

After my own experience, I have come to recognise that many of us women tend to define ourselves through our marriage. Because of social expectations and the perceived value placed on the marriage institution by the world at large, we allow ourselves to remain in one even if in actuality, it is an abuse to our emotional & psychological well-being. And at the same time, we still hold the other party guilty though the choice was ours in the first place.

Here, I want to stress that I am all for marriage but if you are unable to accept your partner’s flaws and mistakes, and if you insist on blaming others (be it your partner or the children or your/his extended family) for the misery the marriage is causing you, remember, that the choice is yours and has always been.

If you choose to stay, find it in your heart to forgive him in entirety for if you do not, you are shortchanging him and yourself from living life in blissfulness and joy.

Forgiving means never to revisit your past frustrations and pains; never to recall any or all of his misdeeds or faults; never to victimise yourself regardless how much the occasion may call for it – not to him, nor to anyone else, not even in silence to yourself. Forgiving means to learn to trust him again. It is to love again with all your heart, without conditions.

If you cannot commit to forgive and rid yourself of all resentments and live the rest of your marriage in grace, remember that we all have choices… we are at nobody’s mercy but our own…

Your happiness is your own responsibility and no one else’s.

Now, do you think the blame game is justified?

With Metta…

%d bloggers like this: