Tag Archive: Blame


The Blame Game In Marriage…

“If something sucks in your life & changing it to your desired ideal is not within your control, it’s not the end of the world & you are not powerless… there are always options and resolutions… You either (1) live with it in grace, get rid of the resentment & regrets and shut up OR (2) you leave it with gentle compassion, get rid of the resentment & regrets and move forward… The choice is, has always been and will always be, yours to make… The question is – do you have the faith & courage to make it?”

The above was posted on my Facebook wall a few days back as I was reflecting on why so many of us, myself included, persist on resisting change when a particular situation is obviously not working out for us or worse still, when it hurts us on so many levels.

Many a times, we are simply going through the motions of life, doing what is “acceptable” and “expected”, that we overlook the very fact that how we live our life is a choice that we make and not somebody else’s. Because of this, when things go wrong, it is so common to see the blame game being played. But what is this blame game all about, really? Should it even exist?

The blame game is simply a way for us to absolve personal responsibility for our life; to justify the less-than-desireable choices we have made; to play victim to the world.

Being humans, it is much easier for us to say that someone else, never us, is at fault. When we hear ourselves saying, “I had no choice; I had to do…. because….”, this is the marker to indicate that a new round of the blame game has just begun. On a subtle level, it may sound like, “I have always been … (all the nice, good things we have done) and yet, so-and-so did such-and-such (all the transgressions we perceive in others)… how could he/she do that?

Familiar? So, how many blame games are we guilty of as we go through our days? Are blame games even necessary?

I will share with you a personal experience in which the situation was rife with blame games, though at that point in time, I was oblivious to my contributing to it.

As I go along, some of you may find this familiar; many may not be too pleased with what I have to say. I do apologise if I offend anyone’s sensitivities but say it I must, if only to arouse our awareness in order for us to recognise that regardless how helpless a situation may seem, we are not as powerless as we have been led to believe all our life.

THE INCREASINGLY COMMON SITUATION

In my 35 years of being on this earthly plane, I have seen my fair share of marriages breaking down, not least, my own which lasted 7 years before the other party decided to call it quits. That was in reality a blessing.

You see, if he did not ask for the divorce when he did, I would still be in the marriage, doing my utmost to make it work though it would have been quite futile as we both were pretty miserable for a good part of the 7 years. On his part, I would never know, though I could make a pretty accurate guess, what was the cause of his misery because he never shared that, not even till the very end. On my part, there were many reasons for my misery, not least among them was the fact that a year prior to his asking for the divorce, I found myself in that dreaded situation of coming face-to-face with my spouse’s infidelity.

And yet, despite that ultimate betrayal and the ensuing tension within me, I could not walk away. During that time, I erroneously used my little girl as a reason for not leaving. In actual fact, my course of action was driven by fear. Instead, I offered him the choice then and after thinking through the matter over a few days, he chose to stay and promised to make things work between us. I believed him, or so I thought. In reality, deep down within me, I could not forgive him and that was the beginning of the end.

By not making the choice to leave him and at the same time, not forgiving him, I was playing the blame game. Though it was never made known to others, from that point onwards, I made him responsible for everything that was not going right in our marriage. I covertly created a gap between us by emotionally withdrawing from the relationship because I could no longer trust him. On hindsight, the absence of trust slowly eroded what little emotional link we had left. Overtime, I was simply devoid of most feelings where he was concerned; the prevailing emotion if there was any, was one of frustration and impatience.

I could have saved myself and possibly my marriage if I had applied the advice at the top of this article instead of allowing my base Self to run my life and place the entire responsibility on the other party’s shoulders.

LESSONS LEARNT

In my observations of people I know and from many accounts I have heard about others I do not personally know, the above situation is a common occurrence.

After my own experience, I have come to recognise that many of us women tend to define ourselves through our marriage. Because of social expectations and the perceived value placed on the marriage institution by the world at large, we allow ourselves to remain in one even if in actuality, it is an abuse to our emotional & psychological well-being. And at the same time, we still hold the other party guilty though the choice was ours in the first place.

Here, I want to stress that I am all for marriage but if you are unable to accept your partner’s flaws and mistakes, and if you insist on blaming others (be it your partner or the children or your/his extended family) for the misery the marriage is causing you, remember, that the choice is yours and has always been.

If you choose to stay, find it in your heart to forgive him in entirety for if you do not, you are shortchanging him and yourself from living life in blissfulness and joy.

Forgiving means never to revisit your past frustrations and pains; never to recall any or all of his misdeeds or faults; never to victimise yourself regardless how much the occasion may call for it – not to him, nor to anyone else, not even in silence to yourself. Forgiving means to learn to trust him again. It is to love again with all your heart, without conditions.

If you cannot commit to forgive and rid yourself of all resentments and live the rest of your marriage in grace, remember that we all have choices… we are at nobody’s mercy but our own…

Your happiness is your own responsibility and no one else’s.

Now, do you think the blame game is justified?

With Metta…

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Being Blessedly Woman

As the Phoenix rises from the ashes, so will the Woman rise from defeat...

“Women are never so strong as after their defeat.” ~ Alexandre Dumas

Wise words indeed… and I am ever so glad that a man made that particular observation.

This is the beginning of my path to honour the female half of the population. Being a woman, I understand very well how so few of us  recognise the blessings of being a woman.

Despite the Women’s Movement that started in the late 18th century and despite the great progress women all around the world, in general, have made in the last 200 years or so, the individual woman, most often than not, is still sub-consciously thinking that at the end of the day, their existence is still dependent on a man. For all the independence and equal opportunities that women these days are enjoying, a closer look at the challenges, most if not all, women are facing will tell a different story.

Of course history has seen a large number of women coming into their power, attaining great achievements in their personal and professional lives, and being recognised for it; but there is still a larger number that are struggling with the many roles that the modern women are expected to play. Many a times, when a woman has to juggle being a wife/partner, mother, daughter, employee/employer, friend, etc. she places high expectations on herself; being gentle, nurturing and loving by nature, a woman thinks and feels that she cannot afford to give less than what others are expecting of her… she allows the people in her life to place their demands on her, even if it means she is stretching herself thin, even if it means she is facing a tremendous amount of stress; she tells herself that she cannot fail her loved ones; this to the point of neglecting her own person and her own needs and wants.

I can almost hear some of my fellow women protesting the statement above. Yes, I agree that not all of us will do that but if we are being real honest with ourselves, there is a little more than some truth in this humble observation on mine. We have taken it upon ourselves to “prove” that we are capable; we are almost as good as, if not better, than the menfolk and this is precisely the reason why so many of us feel like we are such a failure if we are unable to fully accept the circumstances of a failed relationship, or a job that brings them no satisfaction, or a teenage child that refuses to listen… and instead of reflecting on the various factors that could have caused the situation in order to move beyond it with an appropriate resolution, we get stuck in denial and find ourselves in a rut that causes such unhappiness & bitterness. We get pulled into that vicious cycle of alternating between self-blame and blaming others.

The question is, why do we do that to ourselves?

Having gone through so many challenges, struggles and supposed failures, I have come to realise that in spite of all the difficulties we face being a woman, we are truly blessed for being the gender that does make a difference to the lives of the people around us, whether we know it or not. It is through these difficulties, that we discover our strengths, our values and most important, our life’s purpose… if we only allow ourselves to truly look deep into ourselves and accept all that we are with a heart full of compassion and love – not so much for others, as how we have programmed ourselves to be, but for ourselves.

With the new year just around the corner, come let us take that first step to a journey of self-discovery so that we can begin to honour a being that is so beautifully made worthy with the grace of Nature inside & out; let us live in gratitude for being blessedly woman.

Truly, our strength is manifested from the ashes of defeat… Now all we need to do is to believe it…

Always with Metta

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